Tough Talk

Tough Talk,

I am part of a group of people who enjoy taking a jacuzzi in the nude together.  I’ve decided to invite one of our members, but I would like her to wear sun glasses.  It’s just a thing I have.  I’m worried that she may not take it well.  What do you think TT? (Maynard, West Virginia)

(Maynard),

I think you are a pervert and a weirdo and need to get a grip.  And stop being such a loser!

###

Tough Talk,

I am a great-grandfather and every year I rent out a complex for a week for a family reunion.  One of my grand-daughters has a boyfriend who has mental issues.  He enjoys torturing small animals and even though he’s been to counseling and therapy, tells people that his dream in life is to kill an elderly person (like myself).  Do you think I should let him come to this year’s reunion? (Yorkshire, Pennsylvania)

Yorky,

Absolutely, as you must be a total moron and idiot to ask such a stupid question.  He’s not even family.  Why don’t you give him a set of kitchen knives or an AR-13 while you are at it?  Don’t be a dope.  Cut this pyscho loose and the grand-daughter as well as that little apple didn’t fall too far from the stupid tree.

### 

Tough Talk,

I have never been in the military, but have always loved my country and it makes me down-right mad when I see a home display our flag and it is dirty or discolored or torn.  I’m not sure what to do, but I feel like going up to the door and banging it loudly and give a lecture on proper respect for our country.  I know you must agree TT. (Buckeye, Pennsylvania)

(Buckey),

I’ve always wondered about SFBMs like yourself who get all in a tizzy over a piece of cloth when each and every day you are getting ripped off, looted and poisoned.  You need to pull your head up from up out of your ass and pay attention to the real problem facing our country.  Stop being a dope and a schmuck.

###

Tough Talk,

If a couple has children, should they remain in the marriage for their sake, even if they don’t love each other? (Yorkshire, New Hampshire)

(Yorky),

It depends.  But children are sacred and their interest comes first.  If you take a vow, you should keep it and not be a gutless toad or a squid.

###

Tough Talk,

My wife has always been a bit of a libertine, shall we say, but recently I learned that she has been pursuing men on the internest and has made it clear that she is not really interested in me.  I still love her however.  Do you think I should tolerate this and hope for the best?  (Colvin, Wyoming)

(Coleman),

Yes I do . . . if you want to live your life as a complete dope and moron. Cut her loose as soon as possible and move out of the home immediately.  You should also ask her what advice she has for internet prostitution.  This will be the best way to regain her attention as well – and then you can jerk her chain the way she has jerked your chain. Stop being a putz and a loser.

###

Tough Talk,

I love this person and he has recently popped the question.  But everybody in our little town is coming out of the woodwork to tell me he’s no good and will just use me and I’ll regret having anything to do with him.  I know he had issues when he as younger, but after a couple years in prison he says he wants to live a good and decent life.  What should I do? (Meadowstream, Virginia)

(Meadowstream),

You must do the hardest thing in your life and think for yourself.  Is he a good person or is he scamming you and marrying him will be the worst mistake of your life? Some people redeem themselves; others get worse.  Only you can decide that. But don’t worry about your bimbo friends and naysayers. How much do these SFBMs really know?

###

Tough Talk,

I have a grand-niece and I just love her.  She told me that she had a very bad experience taking the bus to the mall recently.  An elderly man sat next to her and started asking her questions.  She was polite, but probably may have said too much.  He then pretended that everything was fine and then placed his hand on her leg.  She didn’t know what to do and did nothing.  Finally, her stop came up and she jumped out of the seat and met her friends.  What advice should I give to her? (Roycroft, Indiana)

(Roy),

The advice I have is to you: (1) grow a back bone, (2) call the police and demand they find out who he is, (3) teach her self-defense techniques, buy her pepper spray and other devices.  And (4) and most importantly, pull your head up out of your ass.  This is a young girl molested by a pervert and you ask what should she do?  Tell your grand-niece that she should have stabbed him in the face with a pen (which she should now always carry) and screamed bloody murder.  What’s wrong with you?  You disgust me on several levels.

###

Tough Talk,

My wife of twenty + years is a wonderful person.  But since she has retired, she watches moves from the 40s and 50s and sings show tunes non-stop.  She has a great voice and I love her energy, but I really detest and despise this genre of music.  I want her to be happy, but I can’t stand the constant singing.   Please help TT. (Hillside, Arizona)

(Hillside),

I truly sympathize as I find this music repulsive and disgusting a well.  However, dealing with this problem is a very complex and takes a nuanced response.  I suggest that the next time she pipes up with this nonsense, get a bucket of cold water and dump it on her.  Repeat until she takes the hint. You’ll find this is the best solution to address this issue.

### 

Tough Talk,

I have a friend who is trying to get me to go to a certain therapist for a peculiar and controversial treatment.  It’s called hypno-infant-regression therapy where you dress up in a baby outfit and explore your innermost feelings albeit at a childish level.  She just loves it, but I’m not so sure TT.  What do you think I should do? (Tiffany, Delaware)

Tiffany,

I think you need to pull your head out from up out of your ass and get a grip.  As for your friend, it’s definitely too late.  Are you completely nuts?  Do you know how ridiculous that is? Where exactly do you plan on shopping for this outfit?  Don’t be a squid of the highest of the highest order.

###