Tough Talk

Tough Talk,

My mother-in-law, God bless her, years ago gave us this clock which has animal noises and other cute features.  As much as I love it, it really looks old and like a piece of crap.  I hate to get rid of it, but we’re downsizing and don’t need it anymore.  I’m thinking to ask her if she wants it, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.   What should I do TT? (Edgewood, Delaware)

Edgewood,

I wouldn’t worry about her feelings.  What I would do is save some money on this year’s Christmas gift, wrap it up nice and pretty, and give it back to her.  Play it off like isn’t this a cute idea?  She will be delighted.  If not, too bad.

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Tough Talk

My wife has a big family and the only person I liked was her father who passed away.  He was a really nice guy unlike all the two dozen other relatives who are rude and condescending.  Now that he is gone, I dread these family reunions.  I want to be there for my wife, but I know I will be alone and ignored.  What should I do TT? (Parker, Wyoming)

Parker,

Why on earth would you waste your time with these dingleberries, dopes and doofises? I would totally blow this off.  But there is one reason that I can think of.  Take a separate vehicle so you can leave at a moment’s notice.  Then at the appropriate time, tell your in-laws what a bunch of rude, arrogant dingbats they all are.  You’ll know when it’s time to leave.  Make sure you bring a pepper spray for self-defense.

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Tough Talk,

I have a group of friends and over the years they have all found the right person, but I still remain single.  We would normally meet every other week and on other occasions.  Now I am no longer allowed to go to these outings and all these friends are avoiding me.  They say, “Couples only,” and now I’m out in the cold.  What do you think TT? (Colvin, Indiana)

Colvin,

I don’t see how you can even call these people friends.  What a bunch of squids and losers.  They have achieved a new status which you just aren’t apart of and need to be cut loose.  Only pompous arrogant jerks would do this to you which immediately calls into question your judgment skills.  Don’t be a dope and get new friends.

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Tough Talk,

I recently was married and became friends with another young couple who have two children.  As much as I like kids, I have come to thoroughly despise and detest these spoiled brats.  I was hoping to have this couple over for dinner, but can’t stand the thought of them bringing these two rugrats.  What do you think I should do Tough Talk? (Dellwood, VA)

Dellwood,

You just tell this couple that their kids are spoiled little crap factories and you don’t want them in your home or anywhere near you. Tell them also to leave these kids in appropriate storage when they come over for dinner.  It will be a wonderful evening for all.

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Tough Talk,

I live in a great neighborhood with lots of nice local businesses.  In one shop there is a really nice guy who I think is transitioning into a woman.  I would feel awful if I should be calling him (or her) by another name.  Do you think I should ask if he is transitioning and if so what would she like to be called Tough Talk? (Cimarand, Ohio)

Cinnamon,

I’d leave it alone.  You’re going to get socked in the face if you run that big fat mouth of yours.

Have a great weekend everybody.

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Tough Talk,

My brother and I have some really good friends and we often go out to dinner.  One of these guys has this really annoying habit of taste-testing other people’s food and using his fork to help himself to someone’s plate.  We’ve told him about it, but he thinks it’s funny and good for his reputation.  People are starting to get in his face, but he doesn’t take the hint.  What should we do Tough Talk?  (Wehrle, Kentucky)

 Wehrle,

First off, you need to reexamine your taste in friends.  Anyone who thinks eating like a pig is good for his reputation must be a complete dope and stooge . . . which makes you a bigger dope and stooge for hanging out with this putz.  My brother had a friend who did this and what we would do is stab his hand with a knife and really try to do some damage when he pulled this nonsense. If you nail him, he’ll get the hint.  Make sure you have some first aid materials handy.  You want to draw blood.

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Tough Talk,

I have the most adorable five year old daughter.  She’s smart, funny and wise beyond her years.  She is also a very pretty girl and will one day grow into a beautiful woman.  Every where I take her, someone is always saying how pretty girl she is and some people I think are downright pervs.  I am now getting annoyed with these constant remarks.  What should I do TT?  (Keswick, Illinois)

Keswick,

The next time someone pipes up like that, you say, “If I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it.  Otherwise, shut your piehole you GD weirdo!”  Be as offensive as you possible.  They won’t do anything with a little girl there.  No retaliation to worry about.

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Tough Talk,

My husband and I have no kids so we spoil our niece and always get her what we thought were nice (and pricey) gifts for all her birthdays and holidays.  However, she told us that her parents either keep the gift and pass it off as their own present or give them away at birthday parties of her little friends.  I’ve always believed that if you give a gift, it should be for the sake of giving and not for attention or recognition.  But am I wrong for being offended? (Green Briar, Kentucky)

GB,

You should be terribly offended.  Your niece’s parents are selfish and inconsiderate. If this is how they treat your heart-felt gifts, then you need to stop your generosity for this little girl immediately.  Never spend more than $5 for the card and gift in the future.  I suggest the little figurines at grocery stores or dollar stores where you use quarters.  Buy the first piece of crap you see.  Use old gift wrap or comics.  Don’t trouble yourself over this nonsense any more.  And if they don’t like it, tell them to blow it out their precious cornshoots.

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Tough Talk,

My husband and I recently had a graduation party for my niece.  She is a wholesome young lady and we are all so proud of her.  She is bubbly and perky.  Several guests came from out of town on my husband’s side of the family.   These guests showed up with more guests without even telling us.  Fortunately it wasn’t a problem and one of them was so kind to give me a gift for our hospitality.  I’ve asked my sister-in-law for the address to send a thoughtful thank you note, but she ignores my calls.  What do you think I should do TT? (Colony Court, New Hampshire)

CC,

You get your sister-in-law on the phone and demand the address and don’t stop calling until she takes your call.  Who does she think she is?  The gall of some people.  You should be furious.

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Tough Talk,

I have a part-time job and have met a delightful middle-aged woman like myself and thought we were good friends.  We have a lot in common, like saving weekly coupon flyers and toilet paper rolls in case they ever come in handy.  One day, she brought in some old and worn T-shirts that were gross and crappy.  She was going to throw them away, but asked if I might want them instead.  I laughed in her face and said, I’ve got plenty of rags so thanks but no thanks. I thought she was being rude.  Now she is acting off-standish.  Should I be offended TT?  (Huxley, Alabama)

Huxley,

You should be terribly offended.  You should have said, “Thanks for your half-assed gift.  Do you have any old and soiled underwear while we’re at it?”  However, I don’t think she is rude, but oblivious and probably dumb as a post.  Do her a favor and bring in empty boxes of food, “ I was gonna toss this, but thought you would want it,” and watch her reaction.  It will be worth it.

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