Tough Talk

Tough Talk,

I have a neighbor who is always saying, “Shut your piehole.”  It’s his trademark and how he likes to distinguish himself. He really thinks he’s hot crap and is always bragging about something like his car, his job or whatever.  How do you think I should handle this TT? (Ruskin, New Jersey)

Rusky,

The best way to handle this cocky rooster is whenever he says his trademark phrase, you buzz back with, “Blow it out your piehole you pompous schmuck,” or “arrogant prick,” or “dingleberry dick-head.”  But it’s got to be automatic, like gorfing after a bottle of Boonesfarm. Also, you might want to paint really cool racing stripes on his car as a pleasant surprise.

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Tough Talk,

I have met a wonderful man.  He is kind, decent and wonderful with my own kids.  He recently ended a long-term relationship with a girlfriend who was abusive and downright nasty.  However, a mutual friend saw them at a party where they were really friendly with each other and didn’t act like they had broken up.  What should I do TT? (Brantwood, Florida)

Brant W,

Sounds like this wonderful and decent man is playing you for a fool, dope and massive putz.  What’s wrong with you?  Cut this chigger loose like the mattress of bedbugs that he is.  Don’t be stupid.  Just remember . . . all men are pigs.

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Tough Talk,

I had a wonderful dinner party last week.  Everyone was there with much witty repartee for all. However, one of our guests found a spatula in our kitchen which she said was hers having brought it for a previous party.  I sort of mocked her out, joking that I had copped her wonderful desert spatula, and came across as condescending. I don’t remember this at all, but after thinking about it, I think she’s right and we had asked her to bring it.  Now I’m embarrassed for making her feel embarrassed.  What do you think I should do TT? (Meadowstream, Texas)

Meadows,

Just be up front and admit you screwed up and give her back her stupid fork.  She’ll get over it.  As for mocking her out, even assuming she was wrong, was a grade A cheesedick maneuver.  You need to pull the bug up from out of your ass. 

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Tough Talk,

I am a normal guy with friends, a good job and a serious girlfriend.  I’m not perfect, but overall I think I am a good person and have helped people when I can.  I’m also not a backstabbing SOS like some loathsome pieces of trash I’ve had to deal with at work over the years.  My girlfriend says she loves me except for this one defect or problem I have and it’s this: I really love to get liquored up and make a complete ass out of myself in public.  I drink a lot of beer and at one point something pisses me off and I just become some type of weirdo.  I wake up hungover with sketchy memories knowing that someone has been offended or I have completely embarrassed myself.  She says she will dump me if I don’t cut this out.  I really love her, but I’m just not sure, as the truth is, I really enjoy it.  What do you think TT? (Hertle, Louisiana) 

Hertle,

Your girlfriend is being terribly selfish.  What you call a defect or problem is a wonderful and delightful personality trait that should be loved and nurtured.  There is nothing wrong with being honest with your feelings, especially if you’re binge drinking or in a drunken stupor.  If she doesn’t understand this, you need to cut this dope loose.  You’re too good for her.

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Tough Talk,

My family has had a lot of problems with our oldest son Lothar.  I haven’t spoken to him for years.  His aunt, on his father’s side, always brings him up and talks about him as if he’s beneath contempt.  Although he’s been bad, I find her condescending attitude annoying and really done just to say how bad of a mother I am when her kids are all doing great and she always rubs it in my face.  Even though she acts concerned and just cares about us, I believe it’s a back-handed way of putting me down. Is this just my imagination TT? (Danebrock, Missouri)

Danebrock,

No.  It’s not.  Your sister-in-law should be ashamed of herself for using a normal family problem to act like a pompous ass.  The next time she pulls this attitude, you say something like, “We can’t all be perfect like you, you stuck up snot,” or “ Yeah, I spoke to him yesterday and he told me to tell you you’re a stuck-up dope and arrogant blowhard, Aunt Dingbat.”  Don’t leave Lothar hanging and cut him some slack.   What type of idiot would name their son that?  No wonder he has problems with such a whacked out name.

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Tough Talk,

I was recently sick for several months and friends and family really came to my aide with their time, resources and money.  I am truly grateful as I would probably be dead right now if it weren’t for them.  They have always made it clear that there is no need to pay them back, but I always insisted and promised I would. But do you think it would be alright if I don’t pay them back?  They said it would be ok.  (Domkoof, Arizona,)

Domkoof or should I say Doomkoff,

What type of squid are you, asking if it’s ok to back stab people who actually kept you alive?  You are a dope, putz and a total loser.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  Get a grip squidley.

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Tough Talk,

I went through an awful divorce, but was finally able to get rid of my ex-husband, a degenerate and scoundrel – but that’s a whole other story.  I just learned that my parents are inviting him over for dinner and have even had the woman he was cheating on me with.  I asked them about this and they said he has a wonderful singing voice and couldn’t understand why I would be offended.  They had this dazed look in their face like what’s the big deal.  What do you think TT? (Getzville, Indiana)

Getzville,

Your parents are complete fools and dopes.  How could they do this to you? Entertaining the man that put you through such grief.  This is outrageous and appalling.  It is imperative that you plot some type of revenge commensurate with their poor judgment and behavior.  Be creative and if they get in your face – use the same docile expression they gave you! Let me know what you come up with.

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Tough Talk,

I work in a wonderful office in a small New England town.  We work hard and it has paid off after several challenging years.  A young woman has recently started and we work in cubicles, but can hear each other.  Whenever she sneezes, I always say, “Bless you,” as I was taught that it’s rude not to do so.  At first she said thanks and it was sincere and friendly, but now whenever I say it she says thanks with a long pause and a hint of annoyance.  It seems like when I give a simple courtesy, she is offended and is no longer friendly – even surly.  Tough Talk, should I stop saying “Bless you” after she sneezes? (Billings, New Hampshire)

Billings,

Under no circumstances should you change your normal etiquette and polite concern.  Let’s gets something straight: you did nothing wrong.  You expressed a normal response in that situation.  Who does she think she is responding in such a manner?  The next time she sneezes, you go to where she sits, say what you normally would, and stare at her with a really nasty expression and then walk away.  Don’t tolerate this rudeness any longer.

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TT,

I was recently at a party where I passed out drunk and as a joke, my friends gave me a buzz cut.  It wouldn’t be so bad if I were a man, but due to work and other demands, I’ll be wearing a wig until my hair grows back.  What I didn’t expect is people coming up and inspecting me like I’m an object in a store window.  They know something is different, but can’t put their finger on it.  They try to be polite, but I think it’s rude because they can tell I don’t like it and some people have even tried to touch my hair.  What do you think I should do TT? (High Park, Colorado)

High Park,

You need to stop being so polite and tell them immediately to leave you the hell alone and take their curiosity and shove it up their corn shoot.  If that doesn’t, get a pepper spray. Who do these jackoffs think they are? Stand up for yourself for gosh sake.

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Tough Talk,

My boss is a great guy and regularly commends people at work for doing a great job or going beyond their typical duties.  He means well, but he ignores the people who have really worked hard for the company, but it didn’t result in a sale or other customer satisfaction award.  He just rewards the people who get  alot of attention, but often just lucked out to begin with.  Should I bring this to his attention and risk his displeasure or let him know his “pats on the back” are not boosting morale the way he thinks it is?  (Westmoreland, Alabama)

Westy,

You need to immediately tell the boss that his half-assed attempts at recognizing hard work is tearing the office in half and to pull his head out from up his BH and stop being such a dope.  If that doesn’t work, hold a “contest” to see who is the most incompetent buffoon and have the award ceremony outside his office, but don’t invite him.  Once he realizes he’s the dope and schmuck everyone is talking about, he should get the hint.

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