Tough Talk

Tough Talk,

I am related to an old and upstanding family that goes back to the earliest years of this country.  But I am sad and disappointed in some of the actions of my family in the recent years and also going back decades as well.  I can tell you stories that would make your hair curl, like when my sister showed up at a dinner wearing a summer dress and not a dinner dress or my brother who went out on the back portico once and took a phone call while everyone was getting ready for champagne and hors d’oeuvres.  I’m at my wits end with this endless parade of faux paus and crummy manners.  What should I do TT?  (Parkside, Florida)

Parkside,

Who gives a damn about your stupid patrician manners and etiquette?  I know I don’t.  Get a life squidley.

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Tough Talk,

I don’t like to brag and have always considered myself humble, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say men are very attracted to me.  I am a very pretty young lady and am always being stared at, asked out and even offered modeling jobs.  I really don’t blame men for their response to me, but some of them want to come up and hug me or get very close.  This happens at my office regularly and I don’t like it! It makes me uncomfortable.  What do you think I should do?  (Bocce, Vermont)

Bocce,

The next time this horsepuck happens, you react as if you’re being molested by a sick and demented person.  Say very loudly, “Don’t touch me you disgusting pig.  You smell like a sack of shit.”  And then make a terribly disgusted look on your face and pretend that you’re going to barf.   Start wrenching like you are going to puke out your guts and you’re having a mental breakdown.  They will get the hint.

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Tough Talk,

I have two roommates and we’re sharing a two bedroom house with two bathrooms on each floor.  Brian is just the coolest dude you’d ever want to meet. He sparkles like sunshine.  Chris is also the sweetest kindest person you’ll ever know.  There is one thing that really bothers me and that is someone is not flushing the toilet in the full bathroom that is attached to my bedroom.  They both deny it, but it’s clear someone is using this bathroom which they said they wouldn’t as I pay more rent for this bedroom.  They act like a giant wad of dump appears out of nowhere. What do you think I should do TT?  (Stafford, North Carolina)

Greeshy,

I find this situation disgusting and intolerable.  Who do they think they are pulling this horsepuck?  The next time you see sweet-cheeks Brian, you tell him that you know he’s been lying as Chrisipoo told you he doesn’t flush the toilet and that he is a disgusting and gross weirdo and should be ashamed of himself.  You do the same to Chrisipoo and you will get to the bottom of this nonsense and when people find out, they will be so embarrassed that they can’t go out in public.  Well maybe not, but don’t tolerate this anymore.

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Tough Talk,

My husband and I divorced years ago under very acrimonious circumstances.  He was downright awful to me and put the kids through hell.  Now that they’re older, graduations, weddings and baptismals are on the way.  I was thinking of writing to him to discuss our feelings and to present a good face for the sake of the children.  Do you think that’s a good idea TT?  (Maynard, Kentucky)

Maynard,

You’re a dope and a fool for thinking this schmuck is any better than when you dropped him.  Pull your head up from up out of your cornshoot and stop being a SFBM.  Don’t waste your time.  It’s a stupid idea.

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Tough Talk,

My wife and I have been married for more than two years.  To tie the knot, we went to a courthouse and it was like ordering a cup of coffee.  I was raised in an old-fashioned home and want to have a religious marriage which my wife had originally promised we’d do.  But one thing after another and it’s still not happening.  She also refuses to go out in public with me too.  It’s like she is afraid to be seen with me.  What should I do TT?  (Yale, Indiana) 

Yale,

Something is up that’s not right.  Ask her point blank what the deal is.  Unless she is brutally honest, and reveals her hang-up against you, cut her loose and look for someone else.

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Tough Talk,

I am a recent widower and deeply loved my wife.  Our whole lives were spent together so everything I do is now strange and a struggle.  I was thinking of joining a church group for people experiencing the loss of a loved one.  However, I’m concerned the reverend is just really trying to get donations and close to some of the wealthier widows as he is only nice to people who are well-off.  Do you think this is a good idea TT? (Albertson, Wisconsin)

Alberty,

It sounds like a terrible idea.  Any counseling or support that is offered by an institution wanting your moolah is going to end in failure.  I also guaranty that you are right about the reverend’s ulterior motives. Assume the worst about this guy. He will not want you around when he buddies up to wealthy women.  He will see you as a threat and is a using his position to take advantage of these women.  You must be honest with your feelings and share your opinion of him in the next group session. Your reverend disgusts me.

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Tough Talk,

I am now getting on in the years and now read the obituaries. I regularly come across names I know but have also learned that I missed other people too.  All of them are women because the local paper just publishes their cutesy-poo nick-name or what all the local drunks and and degenerate scoundrels called her.  I want to give my condolences but it becomes too late.  Should I be upset about this TT? (Windemare, Colorado)

Windy,

You should be terribly upset.  Pull your head up from up out of you piehole, get liquored-up and with all your friends, the local homeless community, pre-trial releasees and parolees, go to the office of this newspaper and raise holy hell.  Don’t leave until you get exactly what you want. Let them know who’s boss.  You won’t be sorry.

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TT,

I am a fill-in nurse at our local fire station along with my other two jobs. Although it’s only half a day 2 x a week, it is really busy.  They give us a break which never is long enough and I really have to eat on the go.  There is this one sergeant who has made it clear that he does not like how I take my break, like I’m supposed to stand at attention in the hallway or something.  Am I wrong for thinking he’s a dingleberry? (Elmhurst, Nevada) 

Elmhurst,

No. Of course not.  You are just being honest with your feelings and realizing that this jackaninny is a dope and a putz for not understanding your situation. There’s this old saying, fight fire with fire.  These macho idiots and morons think there so great, but once you look under the hood of their car, you’ll see that they are all incompetent baffoons.   Find out all the dirt you can and share it at the station.

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Tough Talk,

I am the great grandmother of a large brood of all these crazy kids and characters that you would ever want to meet.  I love them all, but everyone is now texting me or emailing me, never a simple call or let’s get together for coffee or a smoothy.  There always telling me to join this group or get his app.  I find it annoying. Am I the one who has a problem and too old-fashioned? (Mapleview, Montana)

Mapleview,

You only have a problem if you let this nonsense continue as this is very annoying in my book as well.  I would tell this misbegotten group of losers, posers and squids that you’re not into the ball-and-chain of modern technology and to get a life.  You should throw a party and see who shows up.  Those who don’t, cut them loose like last week’s fish.  Those who do, start planning an uprising.

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