Tough Talk

Tough Talk,

My brother’s ex-wife is a friend of my Aunt’s best friend who is also divorced.  She has now started dating her ex-husband which they tried to hide, but not very well if you know what I mean Tough Talk. They were acting like common degenerates, but that’s another story.   Now that the affair is public, it’s tearing our community in half with those saying it’s my former sister-in-law who is wrong and others saying it’s my Aunt’s best friend’s husband who is selfish.  What do you think TT?  (Stevenson, Indiana)

Steverson,

Tell everyone in the community that it’s none of their damn business who so and so want to date and to get a life.  It sounds like a bunch of morons with too much time on their hands.  You also need to tell this new couple to cool it with the public perversions.  It sounds disgusting to me too.

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Tough Talk,

I am an attractive young woman who is bubbly, perky and has all sorts of friends.  And now that I have joined Facewack, I am getting messages from men I haven’t seen in years and whom I never knew well to begin with.  I don’t want to be rude, but it’s becoming non-stop with men asking me on dates who are basically complete strangers, but acting like we’re long lost friends.  What do you think I should do TT?  (Marion, North Dakota)

Marion,

I guess you’re not too quick on the uptake, but these guys are still trying to get into your sugar sack if you know what I mean.  You tell these hard-up squids that if you didn’t hang-out with them in high school, you are definitely not going to meet up with them now as they are still total losers and dopes.  Be harsh and firm.  Otherwise, they will keep pestering you.

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Tough Talk,

My husband and I divorced years ago when our children were teens.  We went through intensive counselling, but he would not stop cheating on me.  However, he is a good father and did his best with the kids and supported them through the years.  They now have children and they are asking why grandma and grandpa don’t live together.  I’m not sure what I should tell them as they are still young and I don’t want to leave them with negative impressions.  How should I handle this TT? (Margaret, Minnesota)

Margie,

Unfortunately, you are going to have to tell the kids the truth and tell them that gramps is a degenerate scoundrel who couldn’t keep his love pump to himself.  Make sure you are brutally honest with the kids and let them know all the stuff gramps did to destroy your marriage.  These kids deserve the truth no matter how young they are.

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Tough Talk,

I have worked hard all my life following orders.  I am now striking out on my own and after years of careful planning am opening a business.  My friends and family have heard about this over the years and I have finally planned a huge party.  But everybody is blowing me off.  I would understand if they were people not close to me, but these are all people I’ve helped out over the years during tough times.  What do you think I should do TT?  (Delta, Texas)

D-,

You tell these people that if they’re not there for your party, they better be dead, in jail or in the hospital.  Otherwise, you are going to throw a hissy fit and become a whiney little girl.  Don’t be ridiculous.  If they don’t want to come to your party, who gives a damn?

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Tough Talk,

I have worked hard all my life following orders.  I am now striking out on my own and after years of careful planning am opening a business.  My friends and family have heard about this over the years and I have finally planned a huge party.  But everybody is blowing me off.  I would understand if they were people not close to me, but these are all people I’ve helped out over the years during tough times.  What do you think I should do TT?  (Delta, Texas)

D-,

You tell these people that if they’re not there for your party, they better be dead, in jail or in the hospital.  Otherwise, you are going to throw a hissy fit and become a whiney little girl.  Don’t be ridiculous.  If they don’t want to come to your party, who gives a damn?

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Tough Talk,

I am having a small family reunion for those relations especially close to me as we haven’t been together since the recent health scare. I’m trying to make everyone happy and comfortable, but I’m getting non-stop requests for this type of food, or nothing with gluten and this person is lactose intolerant.  It’s going on and on and on (like imported toilet paper).  I want to have a great reunion, but they are making demands that are going way too far.  What should I do TT?  (Capon, Pennsylvania)

Capon,

You tell all your relatives that if they are too special and beautiful, they need to bring their own foods, toiletries and other items for posers.  It sounds like all these people are spoiled brats and you should remember the old say, “You can pick your friends, but not your family.”  You may want to cut these squids loose.  Or even better, when they get to town, send them to a homeless shelter, a truckers’ depot or the worst fleabag motel in the area with crappy toiletries found in dumpsters. 

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Tough Talk,

I just moved into a wonderful and quiet little neighborhood which is perfect for my friends, family and getting to work.  But right after I registered to vote, people kept coming to my door to proselytize me.  I’ve never had a problem with anyone as I politely but firmly tell them I am not interested in joining their church.  However, one guy who I think is missing an eyeball -he has this wacked looked on his face – keeps coming to my door.  I’ve made it clear that I’m not interested, but he shows up every other week when I have a little time to myself.  One time, he like ordered me to read from his stupid pamphlet.  I want him to get lost, but don’t want to start a problem.  What do you think I should do TT? (Sweet Home, Florida)

SH,

In the TT family going back generations, we always used a tried and true tactic. Next time he shows up, tell him to wait right there and you want to talk to him but have to turn off the stove. Immediately close and lock your door ignoring anything he might say.  Go to the closest sink, fill it with cold water and take your time: at least 5 to 10 minutes.  Go to the door and dump the water on him.  You then say at the top of your voice get off my property.  You’ll never see him again.

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Tough Talk,

I know this woman who is a friend of a friend and although I’ve tried to be nice to her, she has always been cold and indifferent to me.  I understand if I’m not her cup of tea and have tried to be positive and outgoing when we’re at dinners and picnics for our church.  However, she just had her first grandchild and sent me a postcard asking for a dinner present for herself as she helps with the baby.  She wants people to buy meals from local restaurants for delivery to her.  And some of the meals are really expensive.  I first planned on ignoring it, but do you think I should send her a meal TT? (Lamont, Vermont)

Lamont,

You are a fool and a dope if you pay for her dinner.  You would also be a schmuck and gutless toad if you let this slide.  I’d write back a simple note, “I don’t know why you would send this to card me as I find you arrogant, condescending and a pompous ass.  But enjoy these coupons.  Toodles.” Make sure the coupons are expired and for crappy items and restaurants.

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Tough Talk,

I just met a man who is my age and divorced.  We had a really great date and seemed to hit it off. I suggested we could hit a movie or try a new restaurant.  He said he’d call me the next day. Five days later I get a message saying how he thinks I’m so great, but doesn’t want to make a mistake and get into a relationship where my feelings are hurt.  He sounded so whiney and gutless, like he just didn’t know what to do.  If he doesn’t want to see me he should just say so.  What do you think TT?  (Rosedale, Virginia)

Rosedale,

This a typical situation with today’s American male.  They are whiney little girls afraid of their own shadow.  You need to drop gutless squidley like a hot potato.  Either just ignore him or write back and explain that he is right and he is beneath you for his immature, childish and selfish behavior.  You can also add that he is a mediocrity with a lackluster intelligence and has a significant body odor problem.  Don’t hold back – you’re just being honest with your feelings the way he was with you.

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Tough Talk,

I work with this man who is not totally devoid of decency, but he is pompous, arrogant and regularly condescending.  He treats everybody this way except of course his supervisors and other large fundraisers where he’s all sweet and kind and as my grandmother would say, “Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.” Now he is retiring and we’re all supposed to worry and wonder how we’ll continue, when all he did was cause problems and took credit for others’ work.  I just can’t take the BS because everyone is expected to compliment and treat him like a king.  I can’t stomach this TT.  What should I do?  (Alberta, Washington)

Alberty,

I commend you for your honesty and perspicacity. I have always detested and am repulsed by pomposity and arrogance and those who abuse their position in a chain of command.  It’s destroying this country, but don’t get me started.  What I would do is get a cheap retirement card and write down your feelings.  Be honest and maybe it will go a little something like this: “GOOD RIDDANCE you SOS.  Everyone is glad to see you go because you are a pompous arrogant POS and I hope you get run over by a car when you walk out this building.  DDYM!”  And then send it around for other people you know to be honest with their feelings.  I’m confident that this will make an impression even if your coworkers are too spineless and gutless to share their emotions and feelings too.  

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