Tough Talk

Tough Talk,

I work with this man who is not totally devoid of decency, but he is pompous, arrogant and regularly condescending.  He treats everybody this way except of course his supervisors and other large fundraisers where he’s all sweet and kind and as my grandmother would say, “Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.” Now he is retiring and we’re all supposed to worry and wonder how we’ll continue, when all he did was cause problems and took credit for others’ work.  I just can’t take the BS because everyone is expected to compliment and treat him like a king.  I can’t stomach this TT.  What should I do?  (Alberta, Washington)

Alberty,

I commend you for your honesty and perspicacity. I have always detested and am repulsed by pomposity and arrogance and those who abuse their position in a chain of command.  It’s destroying this country, but don’t get me started.  What I would do is get a cheap retirement card and write down your feelings.  Be honest and maybe it will go a little something like this: “GOOD RIDDANCE you SOS.  Everyone is glad to see you go because you are a pompous arrogant POS and I hope you get run over by a car when you walk out this building.  DDYM!”  And then send it around for other people you know to be honest with their feelings.  I’m confident that this will make an impression even if your coworkers are too spineless and gutless to share their emotions and feelings too.  

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Tough Talk,

I’ve been dating this really great guy for almost eight months.  He has a bunch of kids and one of the mothers is, for want of a better expression, a crack ho.  She is always calling for something, a favor, a ride or some other excuse to take advantage of his good and forgiving nature.  She plays him like a fiddle and it’s annoying  TT.  For whatever reason, he can’t cut her loose – even her child has urged that.  What do you think we should do? (Bailey, Wisconsin)

Bailey,

You have to figure out some way to put the fear of God into her so that she never bothers you again.  Unfortunately, any idea I would come up with would place you in legal jeopardy.  However, if there is some way you can place her on a long journey to an unknown and dangerous area on a truck or a train is your best bet (I’m thinking Mexico).  Let me know if you come up with any ideas to share with our readers.

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Tough Talk,

I was leaving work after a hard day and was immediately greeted by an awful storm.  It was pouring.  This man who started at my job that week and I barely know, came right up behind me and pulled my umbrella over him.  I got soaked and when he got to his car, he just walked away without saying anything.  Is there something wrong with me for thinking that what he did was rude TT? (Spruce, New Mexico)

Sprucey,

You are a dope and a stooge if you think otherwise.  You should have cold cocked that POS or taken some other “appropriate” action.  What type of schmuck would pull that type of maneuver?  Report it to HR and get him fired.  It would serve him right. You may also wish to purchase a derringer or other chick firearm to render assistance, if you know what I mean.

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Tough Talk,

I recently divorced my wife but on good terms.  We still help each other when we can and get along well.  I thought I got along with her children from her previous marriage but after her oldest got married, I sent her a gift and card which was returned no longer lives here, but in her own handwriting.  It’s not a big deal, but it hurts me because when she was little, we were very close.  Now I’m a complete stranger.  What should I do TT? (Beech, Montana)

Beecher,

You’ve got two options: call her or find her on the street and ask why is she being such a snot-nosed spoiled brat and force her to put the issue on the table.  Or you can just realize that children become adults and she is just a waste of time and cut your losses and move on.  Unfortunately, humans project hostilities onto those around them and they are too stupid to know this.  In other words, what does she have against you and what do you care?

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Tough Talk,

I have a boyfriend and I think it’s getting serious.  After a year, we are talking about  settling down and even children.  We have one problem.  He likes to text me whenever we’re apart and I just don’t want to be tied to the phone with these boring and lovey-dovey messages.  I like him but he can be so annoying.  What should I do TT?  (Buckley, North Carolina)

Buckles,

The next time you start discussing your future together, you tell needy Putsley that his texting has to be trimmed down.  If he says anything other than “absolutely whatever you say,” drop this pathetic loser like yesterday’s trash.  He’s beneath you.

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Tough Talk,

I enjoy hosting friends, family and coworkers for delightful and charming candle-light dinners with much witty repartee.  I’ve been using a combination of two services of ceramics and porcelain.  I’m just not sure if it’s necessary to always use both the salad plates as well as the entrée dishes when I have other hors d’oeuvres planned which can function just as well.  It looks nice, but people wonder what gives if it’s not part of the overall meal and experience.  And Vanderbilt’s Book of Etiquette would frown on this as well.  What do you think I should do TT?  (Layton, California)

Layton,

Who gives a damn?

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Tough Talk,

My wife and I have been married almost six years.  We haven’t spent a night apart since our wedding day.  She is going home to deal with some family and business issues.  She will be bringing back her father who is (I hate to say it) a pompous and arrogant dingbat.  He once visited for what was supposed to be two days which turned out to be two months.  I love her but just can’t stand the guy.  What do you think I should do TT?  (Kensington, Alabama)

K’ton,

I understand this situation perfectly.  When he shows up, you tell him due to some solar event or other nonsense that it’s safest that he sleep in the backyard using a tarp, bucket and a wad of rags and paper towels.  If he complains, you tell him it’s for his own good and if he doesn’t like it, offer to pay for a cab to the nearest bus station, homeless shelter or police station – and then blow him off with the money.  Also, figure out what smell or noise really bothers him and crank it up.  You won’t be sorry.

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Tough Talk,

I have two children.  When they were teenagers, their father and I were divorced and a couple years later I remarried.  They were never fond of my second husband, and in all fairness, he wasn’t the nicest person on the planet.  This man that I loved for more than twenty-three years passed away after a long illness.  While he was alive, they never sent him any cards or bought him any gifts which we understood and accepted.  However, now that he’s gone, they now send him birthday cards and address him and me in holiday cards, even though he’s been dead for two years now.  I’m not sure why they’re doing this, but I think it really creepy.  What do you think Tough Talk?  (Hyledge, Indiana)

Hyledge,

It does sound strange, but my guess is that they are so delighted and overwhelmed with joy that he is no longer in the picture, they send him cards because they know he is no longer there to respond.  You should ask them point blank, “you know so-and-so kicked the bucket, what gives with the birthday cards?” If they laugh in your face, you know I’m right and it’s not creepy at all – just enjoying the moment. 

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Tough Talk,

My wife and I have been married for years and her great aunt’s boyfriend’s younger step-sister’s cousin’s mother recently moved away.  She offered a lot of support to my wife’s aunt which is now gone.  We have tried to help out where we can, but this woman expects people to only care about her situation and her needs.  It’s exasperating with all her requests and demands.  She really acts superior as if she pays the rent and does so much for us which is not true. Like we’re supposed to fall all over ourselves taking care of her chewing tobacco habit.  What do you think my wife and I should do TT? (Eggert, Indiana)

Gertie,

You need to tell this mooch that there are significant issues with her personality and that she is going to have to go through training and other rigorous activities for your further assistance.  For example, the next time she asks you to do something, you take her out for a round of shopping and errands and keep telling her, “we’re gonna pick up your crappy tobacco, but just one more thing,” and after you’re finished, you tell her you’ll have to help her some other time.  Also you make her “help you” like keeping watch on a corner in your neighborhood late at night or moving your garbage into a junk yard and then moving it all back.  It doesn’t matter, you just keep blowing her off until she gets the hint.

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TT,

My daughter is marrying the love of her life and we are all so happy.  They picked a date and invited all of our family and the groom’s as well which is a big list.  However, a few weeks before the date, they sent out “Disinvites” to several guests, both family and friends due to expenses.  Everyone, even those still invited, are pissing mad TT.  What do you think we should do? (Lexox, Kentucky) 

Lenox,

You must tell you daughter what she and the groom did was cold, ugly and they should be ashamed of themselves.  What type of half-assed maneuver would someone pull unless they are a SFBM or dope of the highest order?  You tell her to tell your family that times are tough, but we are going to have the blast of the century and everyone must come with gifts and sundries.  Anyone who doesn’t get the hint should be tossed out on their ass on your daughter’s special day.

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