Tough Talk

My wife and I work really hard, often doing over-time.  On the weekends, I would prefer to chill out and relax – not all the time, but at least one weekend a month.  My wife however wants to go out, party, see friends and do things out doors.  I try to explain that I’d like some down time, but she ignores me and invites people I definitely don’t want to spend my personal time with?  What should I do TT?  (Ratchetburg, IO)

Ratchetburg,

What type of a man are you that won’t put your foot down and tell her to get lost when she tries to force the issue?  When I was a kid, you would be called “pussy-whipped.”  Just so you’re clear, it isn’t a compliment.  It refers to a man who allows a woman to run his life the way she wants to.  In other words, you are a gutless woosey and need to end this nonsense right away.  If she gives you grief, take off without saying a word, and crash at a hotel room for a weekend. Don’t tell her what you’re up to.  And most importantly, be a man and do what you want to do.

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Tough Talk,

I need your advice on how to negotiate my new in-laws.  They are very formal and even like to dress up for dinner.  Presents and parties come with expensive stationary and they expect proper responses and even use the “Respondez vous si vous plait,” just to show how hoity-toity they are.  I am concerned about offending them and causing my husband grief as I was not raised this way.  What should I do?  (Chiggers, KY)

Chiggers,

Your in-laws clearly have an inflated opinion of themselves.  Although you may not want to start problems for you and your husband, that is exactly what you have to do.  They need to know that not everyone is stuck-up, conceited and pompous.  The best thing to do is ignore their requests, show up to their parties anyways and don’t be afraid of making a pest of yourself and ignoring standard etiquette and manners.  Belching loudly at the dinner table or other inappropriate behavior is also an option to weigh carefully.  Whatever you do, they must know that their behavior is disgraceful and unacceptable.

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Tough Talk,

I’ve been in the military for twenty years where I have risked my life for this county numerous times.  Several people have told me over the years that I am the toughest man they have ever seen, actually performing service in very dangerous situations as opposed to running my big fat mouth through an advice column.  My biggest weakness is women however.  I have met someone I really like and want to ask out, but every time I get near her, I’m like a teenage boy and get all giddy and nervous.  How do I overcome this fear TT?  (Daloola, Montana)

Daloola,

First off, you better watch that tone.  This column is about helping people, even the tough guys like yourself.  But the question that immediately comes to mind is, are you a warrior  . . . or are you a woosey?  You need to get a hold of yourself, get s%**!-faced drunk, and march over to her and demand an audience. Don’t worry if you make a complete ass out of yourself.  That is what life is about.  You watch, she will love the attention.

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Tough Talk,

I have seen the light and joined a church that has a new and independent way of interpreting and serving scripture.  We celebrate holidays on their correct dates and not the immoral scheduling of the modern churches that have perverted the faith and the truth.  My family is ignorant and refuses to acknowledge the true faith and worship in the manner that my Church has shown is the correct way.  What should I do to make them understand the truth?  (Peter’s Way, Alabama)

Peter’s Wack,

You come across like an arrogant pompous ass.  Where the hell do you get off telling other people how to worship and practice a faith or decide against that obedient training nonsense to begin with.  Who the hell are you to say jacks**! to anyone?    You need to go back to the drawing board and stop using your little church for looking down your nose on everyone else other than the dopes like yourself you now hang out with.###

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Tough Talk,

I’m eight years old and I have an older brother (almost 11) who is a total jerk and loser.  He stinks and talks like a moron.  He’s so annoying I want to launch him by catapult into Kansas.  I know that’s bad and I don’t have the money for a catapult, but he makes me so pissed.  What should I do?  (Rosedale, MO)

Little Dude,

It’s tough being your age, but I’m sure your brother isn’t all that bad.  You must devise methods to take advantage of him, like wearing his clothes or playing with his toys and if they get broken, too bad.  Taking his candy and gum is also cool.  That’s how you get back at the big brother.  You can always mock him out for his stupidity, especially in front of his friends.  Have fun as I’m sure he’s a totally uncool. Take advantage of the situation as you won’t be that age forever.  Oh and watch the language!

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Tough Talk,

My Mom and I are like best friends. We do so much together.  For awhile, however, she kept pushing me to have her grandkids.  Finally, I told her that I would not be having kids and she took it well and everything was fine . . . until last week when she got nasty and pushy and inferred I was not being a good daughter, which was very offensive Tough Talk.  She also canceled a dinner date which our friends were all looking forward to.  What do you think TT? (Westhaven, NM)

Westy,

I’d tell your mother to get over it and stop being a miserable harridan.  Tell her that she has no god damn right to  tell you how to live your life.  To the make the point, for her birthday, bring over a dog, cat or other animal as a gift.  I’m sure she won’t welcome it and maybe it will get through her thick skull that she shouldn’t make demands on you that require enormous responsibility.  However, it sounds like she does not have the brain power to get this concept.  You will of course have to come up with something else.  Be creative.  (Borrow the animal, which will have to be returned.  If she actually wants to keep it, taking it away will offend her – which is what you want to do.)

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Dear Tough Talk,

My good friend Coakie and I have been friends for years.  She had a death in the family and I sent her a card, made her food and followed up with offers of help.  Then I had a death in my family and she hasn’t said one word, showed any interest in my welfare and didn’t even send a card.  I understand that people are different and handle grief and succors in different ways, but I at least expected some type of consideration from her.  What do you think?  (Friendship Heights, Ohio)

FH,

It’s understandable that you should expect some type of reciprocation from Coakie.  However, I would cut her a little slack as it must be awful to have that name.  It must be truly embarrassing for her.  So in response, I say, Who gives a damn?  I’d tell her the next time someone she cares about kicks the bucket, that it will be just the time for parties and celebration.  No need for retaliation at this time.

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Tough Talk,

I was in the grocery the other day and a man who looked like he had seen better days was in front of me and got kind of snotty and made rude remarks.  At first I felt sorry for him as he is probably homeless, but when he opened his big fat mouth, I of course didn’t like the filthy sludge gurgling out of his face.  I let it slide and didn’t say anything, but think I should have said something.  What do you think TT?  (Authaire, Idaho)

Authaire,

It’s always a difficult decision to dish it back or ignore it.  Numerous factors go into these exchanges, family members and physical retaliation among them.  However, I probably would have said something like you have to realize what a superior individual you are and can’t expect every body to live up to your high standards.  I might have also called him a pretty pretty princess or spoiled brat valley girl.  For whatever reason, I find that these insults always offend homeless people.  Although you may feel sorry for someone, that doesn’t justify him coming out of nowhere and mocking you out.  Don’t let this slide again.

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Tough Talk,

My husband and are recently married, deeply in love and looking forward to children.  He was raised Catholic and I was raised Protestant, but we are not into organized religion and have real questions about numerous teachings.  My in-laws are very austere and very religious and insisting that all our children get baptized and raised as Catholics.  They are normally wonderful people, but when religion comes up, they are psychotic zealots.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  It’s really creepy and scary.  You can see it in their eyes.  And my husband, usually independent, seems like he’s supporting their wishes even though he hated all their religious pushiness.  I don’t want to offend them, but they are crossing the line. What should I do TT?   (Roosterville, Kentucky)

Roosterville,

You must make it clear to your husband’s parents that it is none of their god damn business how you raise your children and that they are stupid, arrogant and disgraceful for even saying jacks@*! to you.  It is the height of arrogance to presume to tell a couple how to raise their children, no matter how close to them they are.  You can tell them to ES!  How dare they?  How dare they?

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Tough Talk,

My sister has lived on the other side of the country for several years now. She plans on moving back to reconnect with friends and family. The problem is that her children and grandchildren are thugs and scoundrels who use drugs and most have spent time in jail. I love my sister; she is a good person. Her children and their children are very scary however and she is bringing them all with her. They will not be allowed over. One of them has really bad body odor too, ever since he was a kid. What should I do TT? (Barnesville, Illinois)

Barnesville,

I commend you for the honesty of your feelings. You tell your sister that you love her dearly and you would do whatever you can for her. You also tell her your feelings do not extend to her children and grandkids and how repulsed and disgusted you are by them. Especially the one that stinks. In this situation honesty is the best policy and if they do for some reason show up at you door, make sure they are greeted with a wad of buckshot in their ass. Your kindness only goes so far.

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