Tough Talk

Tough Talk,

My wife and I decided to get in shape and start participating in bicycle races and other athletic activities for people our age after our two boys moved out. It’s a lot of fun, we meet all sorts of interesting and good people and we both look great living a healthy lifestyle. However, during one of our races, my wife had an embarrassing accident (if you know what I mean). Now she doesn’t want to do anything and without her, I am a third wheel and people act like I did something wrong. I’m sorry she crapped her pants, but no one even noticed. It’s like give it a rest, but I told her not to eat this takeout – but that’s another story. How do I convince her to get back to our old healthy activities? (Mammelland, Florida)

Mammel Land good buddy,

Your wife will get over this incident as it could happen to anyone. Also, tell her other people have had these accidents lately and not sure why, but not to say anything. Also, tell her she’s getting a B.O. problem and needs to do something about it.

But what shouldn’t of happened to you is people acting like you did something wrong. You need to get your wife’s a** back in gear and at your next event, tell them what a complete jackoff they’ve been for being so uncool. If they act indignant or feign stupidity, tell them you can see the BS coming out of their ears. You have no other choice in the matter if you want to keep your manhood.

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Tough Talk,

My father has always favored my sister over me, even though I take care of him, regularly stay in touch and do whatever I can to help him. He is usually nice, but when little sis comes up, he gets mean and downright nasty, even though she barely calls him and blows him off all the time for birthdays and holidays. It’s starting to bother me as it’s the same old refrain over and over again, explaining why I’m not nearly as intelligent and as accomplished as she is. (Randolph, Iowa)

Randolph,

In these situations, it’s important not blame your sister for your father’s poor and crummy parenting. It’s not her fault that he is a real dingleberry. The next time he bats off like that, tell him GFY or ES. You can also respond, that “although I may not be as smart, at least I am not a complete jackoff like you are you schmuck.” Who the hell does he think he is talking to you like that, especially when you do so much for him? After you chew him out, blow him off in a big way. He may realize what a dope he is, but don’t count on it.

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Tough Talk,

My husband and I enjoy hosting and have a wonderful home and gazebo for friends and family. Recently, we have insisted that people maintain social distancing and other protocols. We recently had a party and one of our guests needed to use the bathroom which was inside the home. We asked her to go to the local gas station and shopping mart to use their bathroom which is well-maintained and safe. She was taken aback which really surprised me as the request was for everyone’s safety. We haven’t spoken since then. Did I do something wrong TT? (Carver, Colorado)

Carver,

What a surprise? You invite people over for a party and don’t let them use your bathroom. Are you really that stupid? What the hell is wrong with you? What you should have done is create a makeshift johnny-on-the-spot using a tarp with a bucket and paper towels for your guests. If they don’t like it, tell them to take a crap in the woods like a bear, not the impersonal use of a gas station bathroom. You should be ashamed for such a major faux pas.

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Send requests for advice to toughtalk1122@gmail.com

Tough Talk is proud to announce the death of Prince Philip.  Years ago when asked what he want to be reincarnated as, he responded: a deadly virus in order to exterminate a large portion of humanity.  Time to celebrate and party folks.  These events are too few and far between.  Champagne corks are popping!

Tough Talk,

My sister has lived on the other side of the country for several years now. She plans on moving back to reconnect with friends and family. The problem is that her children and grandchildren are thugs and scoundrels who use drugs and most have spent time in jail. I love my sister; she is a good person. Her children and their children are very scary however and she is bringing them all with her. They will not be allowed over. One of them has really bad body odor too, ever since he was a kid. What should I do TT? (Barnesville, Illinois)

Barnesville,

I commend you for the honesty of your feelings. You tell your sister that you love her dearly and you would do whatever you can for her. You also tell her your feelings do not extend to her children and grandkids and how repulsed and disgusted you are by them. Especially the one that stinks. In this situation honesty is the best policy and if they do for some reason show up at you door, make sure they are greeted with a wad of buckshot in the ass. Your kindness only goes so far.

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Send requests for advice to toughtalk1122@gmail.com

Tough Talk,

My sister and brother-in-law have a son who is a fine young man. He married a woman, let’s call her “Olga,” who had two children with him. One day she kicked him out of the house and won’t let his parents see the children. It has caused a lot of pain for my sister and her husband, but what can she do. TT, would it be appropriate if I sent a kind letter, not accusatory but concerned that the grandkids aren’t seeing their grand parents? (Syosapequa, NY)

Syosapeekwo,

It is not appropriate! What is appropriate is sending that young lady an honest and harsh letter telling her that she is harming the best interests of the children by depriving them of contact with their grandparents and she’s being a real guttersnipe for doing that. She must understand that she is stupid and nasty. Kids love their grandparents. That’s just how it is. She’s a stuck up piece of manure for pulling this crap to begin with.

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Send requests for advice to toughtalk1122@gmail.com

Tough Talk,

My daughter and her two kids recently moved in with me after she separated from her husband. She has recently started “dating” a man she met on the internet. He sounds awful. He’s had two or three previous wives and he may still be married. He also has a criminal history for crimes involving deception. After weeks of blowing her off, he finally appeared at the door. He was disgusting. A smug, arrogant loser who doesn’t have a pot to piss in. Now she wants this loser to move in. Do you think that’s a good idea TT? (Williamsland, Michigan)

BWempire,

It’s a great idea if you think termites, rats or other types of infestation is a good idea. Or how about a camp fire on your living room floor? While you’re at it, drill a hole in your face. Your daughter’s first priority is to wake up and stop being a SFBM. It’s disgusting. Make it clear that this loser is not welcome and if he ever shows up again, you will toss her ass out. Trust your instincts with this low-life. He smells bad. If you lie down with dogs, you wake up with scurvies. Don’t be stupid, you will regret it if he moves in with you.

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Send requests for advice to toughtalk1122@gmail.com

Tough Talk,

I had two older brothers who died early and were very successful. My parents and my niece and nephews act like it’s my fault and have implied on several occasions that they wish it was me who passed away. I normally let it slide, but it’s getting more and more annoying and unfortunately I can’t afford to move out of their home right now. What do you think I should do TT? (Willowbrook, Washington)

Willowbrook,

I am sorry about the loss of your two brothers and you have my complete sympathy. However, your parents and brothers’ kids have no right to inflict that type of pain on you. I think you should be honest with your feelings and emotions and tell them what complete f&^**#!*&g a**%$!* they and to FO and to ES. Unless your parents are completely ridiculous, they won’t toss you out. But it’s a risk you’re gonna have to take.

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Send requests for advice to toughtalk1122@gmail.com

Don’t forget one of the worst environmental disasters of all time.  They still haven’t found the reactor cores which continue to expel radioactive debris: Strontium, Cesium and Tritium into the Pacific.  TEPCO (which has lied about everything) claims it will be at least 40 years before it’s abated.  It may already be too late.  Have a good day!

Tough Talk,

My wife and I became friends with another married couple through her work. We became friendly and double-dated going out to dinner, bowling and other fun activities. I like his wife. However, when I invite the husband out for just male activities with my friends, he gets all whiny like a girl and wants his wife to go along too. I told him it’s just for hanging out with my friends who have met him and get along. When I ask him, he doesn’t know what to say and acts like a spoiled brat princess. It’s disgusting TT. What do you think I should do? (Elkwood, IN)

Elkwood,

Sounds like you need to cut this squid loose. You can’t make a person want to hang out if he doesn’t want to. I would of course mock him out for his reaction to the invite, but don’t push it any further. He is probably doing you a favor. Enjoy your male bonding.

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Send requests for advice to toughtalk1122@gmail.com