Tough Talk

Tough Talk,

I live in a very religious and boring community.  Everyone walks around with a bug up their ass.  Making things worse is that my wife’s relatives treat me poorly.  They never miss the opportunity to make a snide remark and I usually have to grin and bear it to avoid embarrassment.  Her sister and husband are particularly offensive.  They think they’re hot shit because he does well in car sales and really loves his stupid politics.  What should I do TT? (Houndsfield, NJ)

Houndsfield,

First off, you have to settle down on your language. This column is meant for all ages. But as for your problem, you’ve got to take the bull by the horns and next time they pull this horse manure say “Would you please @%#$&* off and die you miserable arrogant piece of crap. “  Be harsh and cold and nasty and they will have a very different impression of you and will think twice of saying anything else.  This goes doubly for religious people who are sanctimonious spoiled brats.  Also, if you can do this around small children, this will reinforce your commitment to your point of view.  Stop being a fool and a coward.  You should be ashamed of yourself. 

Dirty drawers on the floor

TT,

My wife is beautiful, vivacious and bubbly. However, she has this awful habit of not cleaning up after herself and keeping our place like a pig sty. One of my friends almost puked in our bathroom it’s so bad. The thing I hate the most ToughTalk is her throwing her dirty laundry into the corner of the bedroom.  At first, I thought it was cute that a woman had these types of habits.  My two sisters and mother are fastidious in keeping their homes clean, so this of course endeared me to her.  Now it’s just plain disgusting.  Day after day, seeing her skid marks and other gross stuff I won’t disgust you with.  What should I do TT?  (Cayuga Heights, FL)

 Cayuga,

I would tell her she has until the end of the day to clean up her crap or you will take immediate action.  Of course, as you have allowed this to go on for so long, and have shown real cowardice and gutlessness, she will just laugh in your face and ignore you.  The next step is to find our what really disgusts her.  Based on my experience with women, I suggest you stop flushing the toilet, especially in the morning.  If that doesn’t work, you might try leaving used cleanex around the home, the more disgusting the better.  Be creative, but regardless, you must be a man and take action.  You don’t have a choice. And stop being a woosey.

TT,

My sister’s husband’s best friend’s youngest sister has got a big fat mouth.  She ends every statement or question with a bitchy little comment that she pretends is innocent and harmless, but is really a snide remark.  Like she asked me to help with moving something if you’re not too weak to do it.  Like I’m a measly wannabe loser like her boyfriend, but that’s another story altogether TT.  She is a snot nose witch who annoys everyone in my family and our church group.  What should I do Tough Talk?  Getting sick of this nonsense.  (Mississauga, WY)

Hey M,

Not to worry.  Just sit back and bide your time and when she screws up, which she will do, bring it up every time you talk to her like she does to every body else.  Then you can end every sentence with a bitchy little snot-nosed comment like she would make, but bringing up her failure and stupidity.  It’s only a matter of time that she will get fired or dumped or ripped off because she’s a dope.  She will greatly appreciate it to such a point that she will keep her big fat mouth shut from then on.  You know I’m right. 

Tough Talk,

My wife and I love each other, but we are going through some problems.  She’s nasty and surly and says so many stupid things it’s unbelievable.  And then she turns around and accuses me of the exact same thing, just repeating what I say.  We’re both Christian and won’t consider a divorce.  Money is tight but should we go to a marriage counselor?  What should I do TT?  (Refuse, NV)

Refuse,

The best thing to do is spend some time apart from each other and see if you can get a one night stand and go for it.  Maybe the purchase of some services might be the trick as you live in Nevada where prostitution is perfectly legal.  But under no circumstance should you waste your time and money on a marriage counselor as they are worthless and useless.  Some columnists will of course disagree.  And to that I say pull your head out from up your ass and stop being a SFBM.  Word . . . 

TouffTalk,

This is about my friend who is living with his girlfriend and his future mother-in-law from hell. My poor friend told me one of the incidents that happened. His mother-in-law decided to cook a birthday dinner for her daughter and friends. At the end of the meal, his girlfriend started packing up the leftovers to take home.  The mother-in-law turned around and demanded money for the leftovers.  She was nasty and rude about it too. Can you believe it ToughTalk?  The mother-in-law is a nasty piece of work.   What should I tell my friend and the love of his life? (Arlington, TX)

A-

The old bats are tough to deal with, I know from my own personal experience.  In this situation, I would tell your friend to bring the mother-in-law gifts of appreciation, like a half-eaten sandwich, old crap he doesn’t want anymore or maybe a box of chocolates, but with the good candies taken and the crappy ones you take a bite out of and put back in the box.  When she complains and becomes indignant, which she will, you tell her she can sell the stuff and pocket a few bucks.  “We were just thinking about you.” One thing you might also do is tell her to shut-up when she’s talking about a boring and stupid subject and that no one cares what she has to say.  You can also get up and walk out when she’s in the middle of saying something with the expression, “I gotta take a dump.”  Hopefully children will be around to learn from this.  But most importantly, be creative.

Tough Talk,

My brother’s wife has an awful habit that is really upsetting everybody in our family.  She takes food off of other people’s plate during the meal.  It might not be so bad if she used a fork, but for whatever reason she uses her bare hands which are fat and grubby like a little kid’s.  It’s disgusting TT and she has been told that it is rude, but she ignores the warning or just smirks to herself like its her own little joke.  My brother is gutless when it comes to women especially this heffer.  What should our family do TT?  (Clackamas, CA)

 Clackamas,

What you need to do is very simple.  The next time she does this, promptly stab her hand with a fork or a knife.  Be quick and precise.  She may be taken aback and it might cause an injury, but this will be the best way to reinforce the notion that her actions are annoying and disgusting.  You may also want to shout, “Stop doing that, G- Dammit!”  Furthermore, I suggest you do this in public, preferably at a crowded restaurant.  Don’t be a woosey and chicken out.  Take the bull by the horns and handle this like a man Clackamas.

Today’s Column: August 3, 2020

Tough Talk,

I’m lonely, frustrated and in a bad situation.  I’m 61 years old and in love with a 32 year old women who is younger than my daughter “D”.  I’ve been dating this Ukrainian woman on line for about two years.  We have had a very intimate relationship over the internet or as much as you can have one.  I have sent her money with the hopes of meeting her.  I booked a trip and was going to go to her home in Doothka, in spite of the current situation.  Now she sent me a message saying she is in trouble and needs $100K.  Money is not a problem, but I’m not sure what to do.  I’d feel awful if anything happened to her.  She is the love of my life.   TT, I need your advice.  (Newark, IL)

Newark,

What type of stupid dope and SFBM are you for even wasting your time with this nonsense.  Wake up you schmuck!  You are a sucker and a fool and damn moron.  My advice is to drill a hole in your head and remove all the stupid juice you have accumulated up there.  Peace out . . . 

Today’s Column: July 28, 2020

Tough Talk,

My brother’s wife’s sister’s best friend is a beautiful young woman whom I have known most of my life having gone to school with her.  She was in the grade below me, but we always got a long.  When I was young, my friends called me Bootsie, because I favored long purple boots.  And I also had a crush on Bootsie Collins.   It was cute when we were young, but no one calls me that any more . . . except for her, “Hi Bootsie,” she’ll say with a snotty little smirk as she knows I don’t like it and am embarrassed by my earlier taste in fashion.  I pretend it’s ok, but it’s not.  How do I get her to stop calling me that TT?  (Chattanooga, TN)

Chattanooga,

I’d be right up front and tell her I don’t want to hear that word any more.  If she gets rude and continues, you must slap her face and do it in front of your friends and family to ensure no one makes up a false story and exaggerates what you did.  This may sound harsh, but you are just being honest with your emotions.  You may also tell your brother to tell this wife’s sister’s best friend to keep her damn mouth shut.  Another idea is to come up with your own nickname for her, “SNB or AE”.  You get the idea.  Of course it must be embarrassing and not cute.  But whatever you do, take action.  You can’t allow this to go on anymore.  Word up . . .

Today’s Column: July 24, 2020

Tough Talk,

I need your advice.  It was my 40^th Birthday and I live away from my family.  I’m not expecting much, but if you’re going to send a gift send a halfway decent one.  My Aunt sent me a sympathy card that was crossed out with Happy Birthday in its place.  My big brother sent me a pack of pipe cleaners even though I gave up smoking years ago.  My mother sent me a pen cap, an expired coupon to a crappy restaurant I told her I hated and a couple sticks of stale and old gum.  I don’t know what to think, only that I have been insulted and they envy my success.  TT I need some guidance.  (Wisaukee, CO)

Dear W-,

This is a difficult situation to navigate.  Only you know if your family members are nasty pieces o’crap or just SFB morons.  If they are nasty, the best thing to do is bide your time and enjoy a good practical joke, like telling them that they’ve been exposed to some toxic chemical and will suffer agonizing pain after a sumptuous feast.  Also, you might want to leave evidence of someone unsuccessfully trying to firebomb their car (assuming they own one).  A burnt plastic bottle will do the trick.  Just be creative. Good Luck and don’t get caught J

Today’s Column: July 22, 2020

TT,

Gotta bit of an issue I need to run by you.  I’ve got a neighbor who is continually dumping his garbage at the next door house which has been abandoned.  The other neighbors and I do our best to keep it clear and any signs of intrusion, we do take action.  However, we have a hard time catching him and his trash just makes the place look ugly and deserted.  What should we do?  (Eldorado, N.C.)

E-,

This is a difficult one which may take some time, but if you and your neighbors can take turns watching the place and when he dumps his crap at this property, you shoot him in the ass with a wad of buckshot.  He will not soon forget the delightful experience of pulling metal debris and wadding from his backside.  You may also try beer bottles filled with gravel aimed at his head.  That will work just as well too.  Whatever you do, don’t be afraid to follow your conscious, especially if you have a group of people to egg you on. Now set you to your task.