Tough Talk

Tough Talk,

I make a saffron soufle which is often the hit of my dinner parties.  I’d like to try a variation on this and serve it with a wider fork.  The problem is that it may not appear as tight and crisp as I would like it to be. Of course, I’m concerned that it may not go over too well. Is this a good idea TT? (Allenhurst, Pennsylvania)

Allentown,

I wouldn’t waste my time with this type of nonsense.  Find the finest discount grocery store and buy hostess products and little Debbie treats.  If you tell your friends that these are special recipes which took hours to make, they won’t know the difference or care.  Don’t kid yourself.  They’re just blowing smoke up your ass because you’re stupid enough to make dinner for them to begin with.

###

Tough Talk,

My wife and I have two children.  Our son is successful with a great job, wife and kids.  We are very proud of him.  My daughter however went through a very bad phase and we spent a lot of money on her treatment.  She has turned it around, found a good husband and is pregnant with her second child.  We want to divide the will fifty-fifty, but my son says that he should get more as we spent so much on her care.  We think he has a point, but believe it is fairest to divide our estate equally.  What do you think TT? (Brandon, Michigan)

Brando,

Tell your son, you’ll do what you like and if he gets all boo-hoo-hooey about it, TS.  Who does he think he is telling you how to handle these issues while he’s back-stabbing his sister?  If he really were a decent person, he’d make sure his sister is taken care of.  Are you really proud of him?  He sounds like a total dingleberry to me.

###

Tough Talk,

I’m married to a wonderful man and we have been together since high school.  He is kind, sweet and always says the right thing in every situation.  But . . . I have this nagging feeling: he won’t let me look at his personal email or text messages which I know he regularly uses and checks, even when we’re together TT.  What should I do? (Kenmore, Kentucky)

Kenny,

This is a real problem and you need to trust your instincts.  Some people are really good in social situations, but are up to no good.  You demand that he show you his online accounts, or maybe hire a tech expert to see what’s going on.  You can’t let this slide.  I just know he’s up to no good too and he’s probably not as wonderful as you think he is.

###

Tough Talk,

My father is a crusty 92 year old man and going strong.  My husband and I are going to retire soon and want to move out of the area.  Friends and family don’t like this plan.  We spend a lot of time helping my Dad and are able to handle his outbursts.  I think people know that if we leave the community, there will be a greater demand on them.  What should I do TT? (Manning, Louisiana)  

Manning,

I’d do what you want to do and tell the family that Pops is going to be your problem.   If they don’t like it, TS.  You might also want to tell your Dad that it would be a good idea to learn to keep his big fat mouth shut.

###

Tough Talk,

I recently became friends with another woman and we have so much in common.  We can talk for hours.  However, there are times when I share a personal experience or my feelings and I run into a brick wall with a stony continence.  I’m just not getting the emotional response I would expect.  What should I do about this TT? (Bickford, Delaware)

Bickfyord,

The best thing you can do is bring this to her attention and maybe she will tell you what I would say and that you are a loser and a squid to try to dictate someone’s response (for what I am sure is something truly boring and stupid).  Pull your head up out of your ass.

###

Tough Talk,

I’m part of a book club that focuses on the best of haute cuisine and pompositus dining.  We do have one lady who learns personal information about others and seems happy to bring it up at the most embarrassing moments.  We don’t want to kick her out of the club, but she doesn’t seem to take any hints.  What do you think TT? (Tyleroo, Maine)

Tyleroo,

It’s not clear who is more stupid, your friend for being such a dope . . . or you for thinking she would take a cue.  Clearly she’s a dingbat and next time she pipes up, you tell her to shut her big fat pie hole and blow it out her cornshoot.  What is wrong with her  . . . and you? (And as for your taste in books, get a life Squidley.)
###

Tough Talk,

My wife has a group of friends who get together once a month and have done so for years.  Each time someone hosts the party.  When it’s my wife’s turn, I say hello and hide up stairs with the kids as we are clearly not welcome.  Her friends are quite nasty sometimes and are loud and keep us up hours past our bed-time.  My wife laughs it off like it’s a big joke, but I don’t think so TT?  What should I do? (Lasalle, New Mexico)

Lasallie,

What you should do is a figure out a way to hide their cars or leave a noxious brew which will make them think twice about coming over again. This will be a great project for the kids too.  Other types of vandalism are perfectly acceptable.  Be creative and report back.

###

Tough Talk,

I really love my husband and his mother.  However, she recently remarried a man who is a nice guy, but has this really bad habit where he is always bragging about  himself and how successful he is which I know is a COS.  I don’t want to start a problem, but people talk and everyone knows he’s really creepy and weird.  What do you think I should do TT? (Highgate, Kansas)

HG,

You only have one choice and that is you have to start a problem.  The next time he runs his big fat mouth, you follow-up with some choice comments and show him to be a fool and a dope.  Go for the throat.  You won’t be sorry.

###

Tough Talk,

I recently married a man I love and who is really close to his family. (I’ve discovered a little too close, but that’s another story.)  I don’t want to be mean or stuck-up, but his brother eats like a pig.  I’m not kidding. Making tons of noise and spitting out food when he laughs. It’s totally disgusting and gross.  I don’t want to start problems, but I can’t take it anymore.  What should I do TT? (Alice, Missouri)

Alice,

There’s only one thing you can do. The next time you have him over, set up a little table and chair for him at a good distance from the dinner table.  When everyone asks why, tell them that he eats like a pig, is totally disgusting and needs to sit away from everyone else.  But follow it up with a compliment like at least he doesn’t smell or look like a pig.  He will be flattered and understand.

###

Tough Talk,

I work in an office where I’m the newest employee in an office of elderly women. They are always giving me advice on my clothing and appearance and even have come up to adjust my tie, collar or jacket.  I find it very annoying but really need this job.  What do you think TT? (Englewood, Illinois)

Engle,

I suggest you hit them back with your own comments, suggestions and not-so-friendly appraisal, like that dress makes you look like a horse or is your hairdresser a gerbil or a hamster? As for adjusting your clothes, get one of those prank flowers that shoot out water and the next time they get near you, give them a good dose.  Job is one thing, self-respect is another.

###